Cayden Emma-Part II of Loss

Life has gotten back to normal, and wounds have healed.  I think it's time to try this again.  I find a new doctor. (Pause for a minute....my last doctor did not contact me after my miscarriage and did not bother to check to see if I was mentally or physically fine.) So Barry and I decided it's time to try and conceive again.  Well wouldn't you know that I end up finding out I'm pregnant the day after our one year anniversary (on February 28th)!!!! Ha!!!! How ironic right!!???  Well, the doctor I chose this time was a woman and VERY friendly and down to earth.  She made me feel very comfortable and safe.  I explained to her my last situation and she told me that she would make sure to monitor me, just in case early delivery happens again.

Well, summer is here and so far so good.  We found out we are having a GIRL!!! Barry is EXTREMELY excited because we already have two boys (my bonus kids:)) and after the loss of Barry Avery, we just knew it would be another boy.  So I took it easy this go round but I have to say I was paranoid and worried every time I felt a move or flutter in my belly.  Every time I used the restroom I was nervous.  It was just a time of paranoia and worry!!!! When I got to the 19 weeks point the whole week was horrible because I just felt like I would miscarry at any moment.  I wouldn't wish that worry and anxiety on my worst enemy because it's not healthy.

I get home from bible school on June 22, 2011 and use the restroom.  My worst fears are now happening.  I am bleeding profusely and immediately begin to become nervous and fearful (I'm 20 weeks).  However, I was calm on the outside.  I woke Barry up and told him that I was miscarrying again and that we needed to go to the hospital.  I called my doctor and informed them and they told me to immediately come in.  I get to the hospital, and the minute I step out of the truck my water breaks.  I know now, it IS the end.  I'm defeated and hurt because I don't know what I could possibly had done.  All of my check-ups were normal and everything was going well!!!!  Why can I not hold these babies!!!! Barry has the look on his face again, "Here we go again".  We are checked into the hospital and I go into the triage for them to do an ultrasound.  The nurse examined me to check to see if I was dilated and she tells me that I was not.  (Small glimmer of hope.) Then the nurse is performing the ultrasound and she has a confused look on her face.  In my head, I'm like "Lady, just tell me what it is...I've been through this before."  She then tells me that everything looks fine and that my cervix does not look like it's open.  So she is confused as to why I was bleeding and my water would break.  I also have to add that I was not contracting AT ALL!!! It was different from the first time, where I was in total pain.  This time I had no pain at all.  (Hope has increased!)

So they roll me into a room and ordered a more evasive ultrasound that will check all parts of the cervix and womb. (I'm sorry I cannot think of what the medical term was for the ultrasound.) My doctor comes to my room and she examines me and lets me know the same thing, that my cervix seems to be closed, however she will have to wait for the results of the ultrasound in order to see why my water broke.  They put me in the vertical position again and told me it will be a waiting game.  I was hooked up to the machine to monitor the baby and to see if I would have contractions.

The next day, the doctor came in and told me that it seems as if my cervix was opening, however, it wasn't enough for me to go into full labor.  She told me that she could possibly save the baby by performing an emergency cerclage.  This is where they sew the cervix so that I can stay pregnant longer.  Only thing is that I had to wait four days before receiving the cerclage.  The doctor wanted to make sure that I was not contracting and that the baby would stay inside.  During this time I started talking to her.  We were going to name her Cayden Emma.  Emma was my grandmother's name and I felt that Cayden was closest to my name:).  I told her that Mommy needed her to stay in there a little longer so that she can come out healthy.  She would move around and kick, which made that "hope" grow more. The doctor came frequently to check in on me and then the day came where she said she would perform a cerclage to keep the baby inside!  I was so excited because things were looking good!  I was prepped for surgery and began praying for a miracle.

The surgery was performed with me completely upside down because they had to make sure the baby stayed away from the cervix.  I was awake the entire time but felt nothing.  My doctor walked me through the whole process and made me feel at ease.  I can truly say she was a great doctor!!! I came out of surgery and was placed in the vertical position again. I stayed in the hospital for four more days and then I was released to go home!!! I was thrilled because just a week ago I knew that I was having deja vu again, and now I am leaving out STILL pregnant.  My baby girl was still alive and kicking.  My doctor told me that if I can get to 24 weeks, then I would be good.  I was 21 weeks and hopeful I could get to 24 weeks.

My cousin drove me home, because Barry had to return back to work and my mother was at home getting my house together for me to come and be on bed rest.  When I get home, I SLOWLY walked to my bedroom and SLOWLY climbed in my bed to rest for a long two week journey.  My mother, cousin, and mother in law were in rotation for helping me out and I was TRULY grateful for them. My other friends came over and made dinner and I can say that I felt loved and blessed.

July 10, 2011, a week after being discharged, I begin to contract. I knew, it was over.  We have done everything we could.  I will need to get my mind ready for the loss.  We call the doctor, and Barry drives me to the hospital.  Once again, my doctor was not there and I had to be seen by another doctor.

Stay tuned for Part III-the hospital experience........