Barry Avery-Part I of Loss

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm pregnant!!!!! I take long breaths and think what am I going to do?  This was not planned. I always have a plan.  How will I tell my mother, father, FAMILY??!!!  Well first I have to tell Barry.  What will he say? Will he be mad or happy?  Oh gosh!!!! Ok get it together Caroline!  It's not the end of the world. At least you have finished school and have a career. Your boyfriend loves you and you guys plan on spending the rest of your lives together.  Why are you worried?..........

Those were thoughts that I had when I found out I was pregnant back in December of 2009.  It was before Christmas and boy it took me for a loop.  I come from a family where morals and values are important and clearly the order of life should NOT be mixed up.  Boyfriend, Marriage, THEN babies.  Well I have always been the "rebel" I guess you can say of my family.  Hey! I was the baby! What do you expect?  I always pushed the envelope to see how far I could get with my parents and siblings.  Well when I told Barry, who was just my boyfriend at the time, that I was pregnant.  His non-chalant self was like "No your not."  Then he goes, "Well, ok".  I immediately told him that we had to get married because that was the only way my parents would accept this.  He agreed and I began planning how I would tell my parents.  The first thing was that I had to call my OBGYN and schedule an appointment to confirm that I was pregnant.  I would tell my parents after I had confirmation I thought.  Yes! That would be perfect.  Until then I had to attend family functions and avoid the alcohol, which was hard because they all knew I was the first to grab a drink (Hey I was younger:)). Then came time for my appointment. YUP.....I was pregnant.  To see the little bean on the screen was so surreal.  I couldn't beleive it.  However, I was becoming excited and happy about it.  My first child.  I would be able to have my "own" child.

Then came the time to tell my parents. I called my mother and father at their house.  When my mother answered, my heart began to beat fast!!! I was so nervous and scared.  I believe I asked her how her day was and all and then I just said it.  "Mama, I'm pregnant." (Did I cry?  I'm not sure. I think I did. I probably did because I always cry.) She goes, "Humph, I knew it would happen.  Yall living together and all." (I got that out of order as well.)  "Well, how do you feel?"  I told her I was fine and that I went to the doctor.  I told her that Barry and I were going to get married in February, the day after my birthday.  She was happy about that and we immediately began planning a "wedding".  I only wanted to go to either the court house or my pastors study, but my mother felt we should have a reception.  So by the time February 27, 2010 rolled around we had an all out wedding with a reception.  It was small and intimate with my closest family and friends, and perfect for the situation.

So now that we are married, things feel right and complete.  Until April 7th I had the strangest feeling where I felt very crampy.  I called my doctors office and they had me to come in so the doctor could check me out.  When I arrived my doctor was not there and I had to see the other practicing doctor in the office.  He asked me some questions about how I was feeling.  He told me that it was a normal feeling and that because I was not bleeding then I should be fine.  They did an ultrasound and everything "seemed"normal.

Well the next day, April 8th, I woke up and my stomach was cramping extremely bad to the point that I was bent over on the bed in pain. I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in again.  My husband drove me to the doctor and in the back of my mind, I knew something was not right.  However, I still prayed that just maybe everything will be okay.  When I got there they had me to go and give a urine sample and that is when I knew I was in trouble.  There was blood in my urine and my whole heart dropped.  Again, my doctor was not there and I saw the doctor on call.  She examined me and sweetly told me that I was miscarrying and needed to immediately go to the hospital.  When she walked out the room I just cried and cried as I put my clothes back on.  I kept thinking, Why? Why? Why?  What did I do?  What could I have done differently?  Why didn't the doctor notice this yesterday?

Once I got to the hospital, the staff was friendly and showed us to our room.  The doctor that I saw the day before came in and was shocked to see me.  He asked "Didn't I see you yesterday?"  I told him yes but now it's not looking good.  He told me that these types of situation can happen overnight and he was going to do his best to try and save the baby.  He had me to recline my bed so that I was in a vertical position, feet up/head down.  I stayed this way for about an hour or two, but I kept contracting.  The doctor came in and told me that he would have to deliver the baby because my labor was too far progressed to try and stop it.  He informed me that the baby will not survive because I was only 19 weeks which is not a viable state for babies to survive.  The viable age is 24 weeks or more.  Imagine being so close, yet so far away from a positive outcome.  I felt as if everything was my fault and that I would not ever have a child.  I felt as though I let my husband down, who in fact was sitting next to my bed with a dazed look on his face.  He was there for support but I could tell this was a bit much for him as well.

Within an hour, I delivered my baby and was able to hold him and tell him I was so sorry.  They asked Barry if he wanted to hold him and he told them NO.  He just held his head down and sat quietly. (I now, understand why he did not want to hold him because in his mind, he could not save his child and he felt helpless as a father.)  I told them that his name was Barry Avery and the nurse took him away to take pictures and do his birth certificate.

That day was one of saddest day in my life and I thought that I would never be able to come back from it.  It took faith and prayer to bring myself out of the slump.  I took two weeks off work and when I came back I jumped right back into work.  I just couldn't sit around and mope because that is not my personality. I got back in the groove of things and took things one day at a time.  In the back of my mind, I told myself that I would just have to try again.

Til then.....I enjoyed life as a newlywed.