The thoughts that went through my head after seeing a positive pregnancy test, because my husband could not wait until I was able to get another Mirena. Oh, because my first Mirena CAME out and my doctor told us to wait until my next cycle to get another. That was a Monday and Tuesday is when I got pregnant!
Thoughts: What am I suppose to do with another baby? I am still enjoying my son and won't be able to devote my attention to him with another baby! That means we will have to pay for TWO babies in daycare! OMG, double formula and diapers!!!
Yea, so I was pregnant and even my husband was in denial about it. I am going to tell ya that he was the blame for it for about half the pregnancy. Well actually, he still is the blame (LOL). I made a doctors appointment which would not be until January 4th. I would have to go through Christmas and New Years before knowing if I was for sure pregnant. But once you have been pregnant once, you pretty much know the symptoms and all to know that you're pregnant without the ultrasound. I was extremely nauseous and sick but had to play it off because I did not want anyone at work knowing.
So my appointment day has arrived and we both went to the appointment to see up close and personal if there was a little bean in my belly. Yep! There was and boy did my anxiety go up again! I just did not know what I was going to do with a baby on my hip and in my belly. Carter wasn't even one yet, and here I was pregnant with a second one. The plan was to wait at least 3-4 years and try for another. However, God has a nice sense of humor and gave me unofficial twins that I always dreamed of having. Some may even call it Irish Twins because they are so close together in age or same age for small period of time.
I still wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret because again I had anxiety that I would miscarry before my cerclage would be placed. Oh and by the way, my doctor scheduled my cerclage in I believe March so that I could keep this little bean inside the entire nine months. Once good thing about just going through this whole process is that I knew what to expect and I was more calm as far as my day to day interactions. I sat down when I needed to and slept when i felt tired. Every pain did not alarm me and handling my toddler was not so bad with the help of my husband.
We found out we were having a girl and THAT was the day where I truly accepted the fact that I was having another baby!! My husband could not believe he was having a girl because all we had at the moment were boys!! I was rejoiceful because both of my angels came back into my life!! It was an overwhelming and emotional time for me because again, God timing is just what you need as long as you have faith and wait.
Now, being pregnant with my princess was very different than my prince only because the morning sickness did not leave until about month 7 only to return in month 8 and 9. I was shaped differently and my mood was more on edge as far as my patience with others.
TBC.....
Friday, October 4, 2019
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Love: My Miracle Baby Part 2: The Arrival of Barry Carter
Before I begin I just want to say that it has been a VERY long time since I have been on here, however, motherhood ain't no joke!!!! But I know I need to finish what I started and I am determined to do just that!
Now, February 3rd came and went and there was still NO Baby! My husband already took is paternity leave at his job because we just knew that baby boy was going to be here by now. The irony of this whole situation is that for two years I could not hold a baby inside my womb and now my baby won't come out!!! So I had my doctors appointment the next day, Monday, February 4th and basically begged my doctor to go ahead and induce me. I was struggling to breathe due to my asthma and walking was a chore within itself, because of back pains from past epidurals. So my doctor scheduled for me to deliver my son the next day.
February 5, around 9:00am and I received the call to come to the hospital to begin the inducing process. I am anxious and nervous all at the same time. This was it!!! I did not take any Lamaze classes or watch delivery videos to prepare myself, because honestly each experience is different. All I knew was that I wanted this baby OUT! I wanted to see what he looked like and who he looked like. I wanted to experience that instant love that everyone talks about when you see your baby for the first time. Overall, I wanted to have a child call me mom (eventually) and know that I made this miracle.
It's crazy how just a year or so before all of this, I was in a place where I wasn't sure if I would ever have a child of my own. I have two wonderful stepsons or bonus babies as some would say, who I have had the extreme pleasure of practicing being a mom with for years now. However, until you are a stepparent, you just don't understand that little innate feeling that I'm not their biological mother and they will never call me mom. I love them as they were my own and I birthed them and often when we would be out, we would get the "Oh, you boys look like your mother!" They would look at me confused and I would just smile and keep walking. The sharp pain inside that says, "But I'm not and they know it, and do not know how to genuinely treat me because it can be confusing for kids sometimes." However, today they are teenagers and they show they love and care for me with hugs and concern looks in some situations. We have grown together and learned our boundaries in the co-parenting and coexisting environment that we all were dumped into.
Back to the delivery though....So they prep me to be induced and warn me that I will begin feeling contractions as soon as my water is broken. BOY, were they not lying! They broke my water and about an hour or so, in came the contractions. I tried to hold off as long as I could but immediately told my nurse to phone the person with drugs to stop the pain!! I wanted an epidural STAT!!!
Once, I received my epidural I was pretty much good and it was smooth sailing, until my poor little guys head would not come down the way it was suppose to. We waited it out for about 4 hours and his head did not budge. The concern then began that the baby could begin to be in distress because of where his head was in the canal. So a c-section was our only option at this point. Honestly, at that point I didn't care what we did because I was exhausted ready to see my baby already! It was around 7:00 and hunger/anxiety pains were beginning to set in for me.
I was prepped for a c-section and rolled into the operating room. A few cuts, snips, and pulls and before you know it I could hear my baby screaming! He was HERE!!! My husband got to cut the cord and brought him over for me to get a good look at him. He was PERFECT!!! His little round face and button nose was ALL MINE!!! I could not wait to hold him and kiss him until infinity.
After I was closed, I was rolled into the recovery area where I met Barry Carter for the second time and held him close to my heart. He was so gentle and yes, I immediately felt that instant love. The nurse showed me how to begin nursing him and I was just in awe of this precious baby boy! He was worth every tear and pain that I have endured over the last 3 years. His father was elated and kept saying how much he looked like our oldest Jahqualon. He had a HEAD FULL of black hair and just the most perfect plumped lips. He truly was adorable and the nurses all said how he looks like he's been here before. He was very alert and just so darn handsome! Then the little munchkin smiled and I noticed DIMPLES! Oh, GREAT...now I am more in love and I am going to be in trouble in the future with a cute little dimpled child.
I have my baby boy finally!! Yes, he's been here before because my angel returned to console and let me know that I was always a mommy. I have always been a mommy, but was stubborn with the thought of having my own child.
(Nine Months Later....)
Oh, CRAP!!!! It's Positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??????
Now, February 3rd came and went and there was still NO Baby! My husband already took is paternity leave at his job because we just knew that baby boy was going to be here by now. The irony of this whole situation is that for two years I could not hold a baby inside my womb and now my baby won't come out!!! So I had my doctors appointment the next day, Monday, February 4th and basically begged my doctor to go ahead and induce me. I was struggling to breathe due to my asthma and walking was a chore within itself, because of back pains from past epidurals. So my doctor scheduled for me to deliver my son the next day.
February 5, around 9:00am and I received the call to come to the hospital to begin the inducing process. I am anxious and nervous all at the same time. This was it!!! I did not take any Lamaze classes or watch delivery videos to prepare myself, because honestly each experience is different. All I knew was that I wanted this baby OUT! I wanted to see what he looked like and who he looked like. I wanted to experience that instant love that everyone talks about when you see your baby for the first time. Overall, I wanted to have a child call me mom (eventually) and know that I made this miracle.
It's crazy how just a year or so before all of this, I was in a place where I wasn't sure if I would ever have a child of my own. I have two wonderful stepsons or bonus babies as some would say, who I have had the extreme pleasure of practicing being a mom with for years now. However, until you are a stepparent, you just don't understand that little innate feeling that I'm not their biological mother and they will never call me mom. I love them as they were my own and I birthed them and often when we would be out, we would get the "Oh, you boys look like your mother!" They would look at me confused and I would just smile and keep walking. The sharp pain inside that says, "But I'm not and they know it, and do not know how to genuinely treat me because it can be confusing for kids sometimes." However, today they are teenagers and they show they love and care for me with hugs and concern looks in some situations. We have grown together and learned our boundaries in the co-parenting and coexisting environment that we all were dumped into.
Back to the delivery though....So they prep me to be induced and warn me that I will begin feeling contractions as soon as my water is broken. BOY, were they not lying! They broke my water and about an hour or so, in came the contractions. I tried to hold off as long as I could but immediately told my nurse to phone the person with drugs to stop the pain!! I wanted an epidural STAT!!!
Once, I received my epidural I was pretty much good and it was smooth sailing, until my poor little guys head would not come down the way it was suppose to. We waited it out for about 4 hours and his head did not budge. The concern then began that the baby could begin to be in distress because of where his head was in the canal. So a c-section was our only option at this point. Honestly, at that point I didn't care what we did because I was exhausted ready to see my baby already! It was around 7:00 and hunger/anxiety pains were beginning to set in for me.
I was prepped for a c-section and rolled into the operating room. A few cuts, snips, and pulls and before you know it I could hear my baby screaming! He was HERE!!! My husband got to cut the cord and brought him over for me to get a good look at him. He was PERFECT!!! His little round face and button nose was ALL MINE!!! I could not wait to hold him and kiss him until infinity.
After I was closed, I was rolled into the recovery area where I met Barry Carter for the second time and held him close to my heart. He was so gentle and yes, I immediately felt that instant love. The nurse showed me how to begin nursing him and I was just in awe of this precious baby boy! He was worth every tear and pain that I have endured over the last 3 years. His father was elated and kept saying how much he looked like our oldest Jahqualon. He had a HEAD FULL of black hair and just the most perfect plumped lips. He truly was adorable and the nurses all said how he looks like he's been here before. He was very alert and just so darn handsome! Then the little munchkin smiled and I noticed DIMPLES! Oh, GREAT...now I am more in love and I am going to be in trouble in the future with a cute little dimpled child.
I have my baby boy finally!! Yes, he's been here before because my angel returned to console and let me know that I was always a mommy. I have always been a mommy, but was stubborn with the thought of having my own child.
(Nine Months Later....)
Oh, CRAP!!!! It's Positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??????
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Love: My Miracle Baby Part I
So we went on our honeymoon during my spring break and once we returned I was ready to try again. I stopped taking my birth control and felt mentally I was ready to try. I must also mention that 50 Shades of Grey was out and I was whipping through them like crazy:)!!
During the beginning of the month of May, we went out of town for my brother in laws graduation, and enjoyed family and each other. Once we returned, I went back to work and just kept praying and hoping that I would get pregnant.
Well during that month, my little friend didn’t not come at her normal time and I immediately knew.....I may be pregnant!! It had only been about about 3 weeks since the trip and I knew it just had to be too early. I took a test anyway because I had “the feeling”. Well, you can guess what the result was....POSITIVE!!!! I WAS PREGNANT!!!!! My heart raced and my hands shook. I was nervous and anxious all at the same time. I told Barry and he was happy but worried as well. I made an appointment to Dr. Pinell and waited days for the appointment.
At the appointment, Dr. Pinell was gentle and kind informed me of how the process will go. I returned for two more appointments before scheduling my cerclage. My cerclage was done when I made 12 weeks and by then I was still a nervous wreck. I mean I had a cerclage before and it didn’t work. Who is to say that this one wouldn’t? I went to work and did not stand on my feet while teaching and tried to take it easy. I was also nervous to tell friends, family, and coworkers because it seems like everytime I’ve told, I lost the baby. So this time I waited until I passed the 20 week mark. (Granted I was showing pretty early, I didn’t volunteer the information:).)
When I got to the 19 period I was ULTRA scared and nervous the entire week!! Every movement and feeling, I thought was me miscarrying. Once I got through 19, I knew I had to get through 20. Again, a nervous wreck!!! It was CRAZY!!!! Before I knew it I was 24 weeks and still doing fine. My appointments were twice a month and I was able to have an ultrasound done each time so that the doctor could check the cervix and everything else.
Oh WAIT...at my 16 week Check-up we found out it was a BOY!!! We were excited at this point that we were just having a BABY!!!
So once I passed my 24 week mark, I allowed my friends and family to begin to plan a shower. Still nervous needless to say, but I went along with it. I was growing and getting bigger each week and month! I was elated inside to have the “pregnant” look and feeling, however by December I was getting uncomfortable!!
By January I just wanted him OUT!!! I felt guilty for feeling that way, but I was TIRED!!!!! My doctor was removing the cerclage two weeks before my due date, which was February 3rd. So once I was two weeks out, my cerclage was removed and I was officially on maternity leave.
February 3rd comes (Super Bowl Sunday) annnndddd no baby!!!!!!
Stay tuned for the delivery of this Miracle Baby!
During the beginning of the month of May, we went out of town for my brother in laws graduation, and enjoyed family and each other. Once we returned, I went back to work and just kept praying and hoping that I would get pregnant.
Well during that month, my little friend didn’t not come at her normal time and I immediately knew.....I may be pregnant!! It had only been about about 3 weeks since the trip and I knew it just had to be too early. I took a test anyway because I had “the feeling”. Well, you can guess what the result was....POSITIVE!!!! I WAS PREGNANT!!!!! My heart raced and my hands shook. I was nervous and anxious all at the same time. I told Barry and he was happy but worried as well. I made an appointment to Dr. Pinell and waited days for the appointment.
At the appointment, Dr. Pinell was gentle and kind informed me of how the process will go. I returned for two more appointments before scheduling my cerclage. My cerclage was done when I made 12 weeks and by then I was still a nervous wreck. I mean I had a cerclage before and it didn’t work. Who is to say that this one wouldn’t? I went to work and did not stand on my feet while teaching and tried to take it easy. I was also nervous to tell friends, family, and coworkers because it seems like everytime I’ve told, I lost the baby. So this time I waited until I passed the 20 week mark. (Granted I was showing pretty early, I didn’t volunteer the information:).)
When I got to the 19 period I was ULTRA scared and nervous the entire week!! Every movement and feeling, I thought was me miscarrying. Once I got through 19, I knew I had to get through 20. Again, a nervous wreck!!! It was CRAZY!!!! Before I knew it I was 24 weeks and still doing fine. My appointments were twice a month and I was able to have an ultrasound done each time so that the doctor could check the cervix and everything else.
Oh WAIT...at my 16 week Check-up we found out it was a BOY!!! We were excited at this point that we were just having a BABY!!!
So once I passed my 24 week mark, I allowed my friends and family to begin to plan a shower. Still nervous needless to say, but I went along with it. I was growing and getting bigger each week and month! I was elated inside to have the “pregnant” look and feeling, however by December I was getting uncomfortable!!
By January I just wanted him OUT!!! I felt guilty for feeling that way, but I was TIRED!!!!! My doctor was removing the cerclage two weeks before my due date, which was February 3rd. So once I was two weeks out, my cerclage was removed and I was officially on maternity leave.
February 3rd comes (Super Bowl Sunday) annnndddd no baby!!!!!!
Stay tuned for the delivery of this Miracle Baby!
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Love: The Right Doctor
Well we took about six months to enjoy each other, because let's face it....it's been a rough two years. We got married, pregnant, and miscarried twice and it just seemed like the world was moving at lightening speed. Slowing the pace down and just living life as a newlywed coupled seemed like the most logical thing to do. However, in the back of my mind I kept saying that we are gonna try again and I am going to find a doctor that will be just right and get us a baby. I know what my problem is now and I have to find a doctor who specializes in patients like me.
My sister recommended me to her doctor who delivered my nieces, but she did not accept my insurance. However, there were other doctors in her circle that did and were rated just as good. I had two male doctors to choose from that were considered part of the high risk doctors at The Woman's Hospital. I sat at my computer and stared at these two men like, which one will be the best for me. It literally came down to me doing an eeny meeny miney mo! SERIOUSLY!! I couldn't decide and that just seemed like the best way at the time. (I know....don't laugh:)). So my luck landed on Dr. Phillip Pinell. He was smiling in his picture and had a nice warm feeling about him through the picture. So I called his office and made an appointment for a consultation. I was nervous and anxious but just hopeful that he would give me good news!
I went to my appointment and was worried that he may say, we'll try but I am not promising you any miracles. Well....the complete opposite happened. He was so uplifting and positive that it made me want to go home that day and try to see if we could have a baby. He told me that my condition was very common and he's delivered tons of babies to moms with an incompetent cervix. He informed me that at 12 weeks he would perform a cerclage and after that I should be good to go. Light duty and pelvic rest and a baby will be mine at the end. He spoke softly and held my hand to reassure everything will be okay. I went home and told Barry, and he was nonchalant about it (although he's like that all the time), but this time it was of a "I don't want to go through this again."
So as I said earlier, we took a break to let my body heal and get my mind back in the right place. We took a "real honeymoon" vacation and enjoyed each other! After our mini vacation, I was ready to try again! I found the right doctor and was ready to bring home a baby girl or boy!
Stay tuned for.....Love: My Miracle Baby....
My sister recommended me to her doctor who delivered my nieces, but she did not accept my insurance. However, there were other doctors in her circle that did and were rated just as good. I had two male doctors to choose from that were considered part of the high risk doctors at The Woman's Hospital. I sat at my computer and stared at these two men like, which one will be the best for me. It literally came down to me doing an eeny meeny miney mo! SERIOUSLY!! I couldn't decide and that just seemed like the best way at the time. (I know....don't laugh:)). So my luck landed on Dr. Phillip Pinell. He was smiling in his picture and had a nice warm feeling about him through the picture. So I called his office and made an appointment for a consultation. I was nervous and anxious but just hopeful that he would give me good news!
I went to my appointment and was worried that he may say, we'll try but I am not promising you any miracles. Well....the complete opposite happened. He was so uplifting and positive that it made me want to go home that day and try to see if we could have a baby. He told me that my condition was very common and he's delivered tons of babies to moms with an incompetent cervix. He informed me that at 12 weeks he would perform a cerclage and after that I should be good to go. Light duty and pelvic rest and a baby will be mine at the end. He spoke softly and held my hand to reassure everything will be okay. I went home and told Barry, and he was nonchalant about it (although he's like that all the time), but this time it was of a "I don't want to go through this again."
So as I said earlier, we took a break to let my body heal and get my mind back in the right place. We took a "real honeymoon" vacation and enjoyed each other! After our mini vacation, I was ready to try again! I found the right doctor and was ready to bring home a baby girl or boy!
Stay tuned for.....Love: My Miracle Baby....
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Cayden Emma-Part III-Loss:The Hospital
Barry rushes me to the hospital because now I am in full blown labor it feels like. I am contracting every five minutes and the pain is excruciating. We arrive at the hospital and I get out of the truck. Barry gets out with me to make sure I get in safely. When I walk in, the front desk security asked me what I needed. I am leaning over in pain and unable to speak because I am contracting like CRAZY!!! Barry tells them that I am in labor and need to get to the labor and delivery. They tell me that it is down the hall in the other building. Now, any decent human would give a pregnant woman a wheel chair so that she does not have to walk IN PAIN, but these lovely gentlemen did not. They just stared at me and my husband and pointed in the direction we needed to go. So I slowly walked down this long hallway that seemed like it would never end. I get to the labor and delivery and the lady behind this desk sees that I am in pain and immediately comes out to get me to a bed to lay down. She asked why did I not come in a wheel chair and I tell her that one was not given and I was told to go that way down the hallway. Once I lay down I know for sure that this baby is not gonna make it and I am indeed miscarrying. The nurse told the doctor to come immediately, because I informed her that I had an emergency cerclage done and that I need it to be undone. The nurse checked and noticed that I had meconium also coming out which means the baby had a bowel movement inside. This could lead to infection and other worse case scenarios. I immediately panic because I do not know what is going on!!! The doctor comes in, who was not my doctor because she was out of town. She comes in and checks and says that they are going to have to rush me in to get pain meds so that she can undo the cerclage. That way I do not tear and further damage to my cervix occurs. All the while they are checking me, another nurse is on my left side asking me 185 questions about my family medical history. She kept apologizing because when I answered her I was clearly giving her annoyed stares and sighs. I'm sitting here in labor and about to lose my baby and you want to know my last menstrual cycle!!!! WHAT???? So, once I get to the room and there are now at least five to six people running in and out of my room and discussing the current events of the week. Barry and I are sitting there looking like, why is it so chaotic? My sister comes in and looks around notices the chaos. I'm in pain, the room is crazy, and there just seems like no order AT ALL! She says out loud, "Umm, what is going on? I am a physician and this is my sister and she is clearly in pain! What are you guys doing to relieve her pain? What is the plan of action?" The room stopped suddenly and then the doctor goes, "Oh, ok well we are about to remove her cerclage and get ready to deliver her baby. Can someone please order an epidural for her so that the pain can subside?" Then, things went calm and I was serviced with the up most respect.
A couple of hours later the doctor comes in to check me and when she looked her face dropped and she said, "Her foot is hanging out and we need for you to push." I pushed twice and they pulled her out. Her little foot was dangling and swollen. They put her in the warmer and the doctor told the nurse to get the NICU down to see if they can help the baby. However, I knew there would be nothing they could do because I was 23 weeks and 24 weeks is the viable stage. The NICU doctor comes in and asked where the baby was. The doctor pointed to the warmer and the NICU doctor says, "There's nothing I can do. She's gone already. Why didn't you guys call me before now?" The thing is that the nurse was calling them for at least an hour and never got a response. The doctor who delivered my baby told the NICU doctor quietly, can you please and nicely let the parents know? They just lost their baby. She gave him a look like, don't be rude! In my head, I'm thinking, you have already surpassed being rude thus far. This whole hospital gets the "Most Rude to Expecting Mothers Award". I sat in my bed and just cried and cried. Then I became numb. It was almost like I was having deja vu from the year before. My whole life just seemed pointless. Why can I not hold a baby? Why can I not have a child of my own? I slept for as long as I could because honestly I didn't want to talk to anyone or face anyone. My pastor came by to pray over the baby, and it meant a lot to me. To know that he took time out of his busy schedule to come to the hospital for me was incredible. After Pastor Bell prayed over my baby, he left and I went back to sleep, because honestly being awake was too painful. They left her in my room for Barry and I to have our last moments, but what they didn't understand was that going through this twice within a year of each other was dreadfully painful. It was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It was as if I was on a 200 foot drop roller coaster and my whole soul was at the top of it, sitting there looking down at me! I just was numb.
I had several family member come and visit, and I mustered up the energy to smile through the pain and just cope. I really just wanted to go home and be in my own bed and just cry! I was discharged the next day and when I got home, that is just what I did. I got in my bed and cried and cried. Barry would get in the bed and hold me to let me cry it out on his shoulder. It felt as if I would never stop crying. However, one day I realized that I couldn't do that anymore. Something in my spirit told me that this was not the end and there was a way. I discussed with Barry that we would have to try one more time. We would give ourselves the rest of the year to recoup, but that we had to try again. I told him that I would find a high risk doctor and we would know earlier what needs to be done in order to get us a baby. He was skeptical about it at first but supportive of whatever I wanted to do. He knew how important it was for me to have my own baby.
So I went on the mission to find a high risk doctor who could get us a baby! Then the search began.....Stay tuned for "The Right Doctor!".
A couple of hours later the doctor comes in to check me and when she looked her face dropped and she said, "Her foot is hanging out and we need for you to push." I pushed twice and they pulled her out. Her little foot was dangling and swollen. They put her in the warmer and the doctor told the nurse to get the NICU down to see if they can help the baby. However, I knew there would be nothing they could do because I was 23 weeks and 24 weeks is the viable stage. The NICU doctor comes in and asked where the baby was. The doctor pointed to the warmer and the NICU doctor says, "There's nothing I can do. She's gone already. Why didn't you guys call me before now?" The thing is that the nurse was calling them for at least an hour and never got a response. The doctor who delivered my baby told the NICU doctor quietly, can you please and nicely let the parents know? They just lost their baby. She gave him a look like, don't be rude! In my head, I'm thinking, you have already surpassed being rude thus far. This whole hospital gets the "Most Rude to Expecting Mothers Award". I sat in my bed and just cried and cried. Then I became numb. It was almost like I was having deja vu from the year before. My whole life just seemed pointless. Why can I not hold a baby? Why can I not have a child of my own? I slept for as long as I could because honestly I didn't want to talk to anyone or face anyone. My pastor came by to pray over the baby, and it meant a lot to me. To know that he took time out of his busy schedule to come to the hospital for me was incredible. After Pastor Bell prayed over my baby, he left and I went back to sleep, because honestly being awake was too painful. They left her in my room for Barry and I to have our last moments, but what they didn't understand was that going through this twice within a year of each other was dreadfully painful. It was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It was as if I was on a 200 foot drop roller coaster and my whole soul was at the top of it, sitting there looking down at me! I just was numb.
I had several family member come and visit, and I mustered up the energy to smile through the pain and just cope. I really just wanted to go home and be in my own bed and just cry! I was discharged the next day and when I got home, that is just what I did. I got in my bed and cried and cried. Barry would get in the bed and hold me to let me cry it out on his shoulder. It felt as if I would never stop crying. However, one day I realized that I couldn't do that anymore. Something in my spirit told me that this was not the end and there was a way. I discussed with Barry that we would have to try one more time. We would give ourselves the rest of the year to recoup, but that we had to try again. I told him that I would find a high risk doctor and we would know earlier what needs to be done in order to get us a baby. He was skeptical about it at first but supportive of whatever I wanted to do. He knew how important it was for me to have my own baby.
So I went on the mission to find a high risk doctor who could get us a baby! Then the search began.....Stay tuned for "The Right Doctor!".
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Cayden Emma-Part II of Loss
Life has gotten back to normal, and wounds have healed. I think it's time to try this again. I find a new doctor. (Pause for a minute....my last doctor did not contact me after my miscarriage and did not bother to check to see if I was mentally or physically fine.) So Barry and I decided it's time to try and conceive again. Well wouldn't you know that I end up finding out I'm pregnant the day after our one year anniversary (on February 28th)!!!! Ha!!!! How ironic right!!??? Well, the doctor I chose this time was a woman and VERY friendly and down to earth. She made me feel very comfortable and safe. I explained to her my last situation and she told me that she would make sure to monitor me, just in case early delivery happens again.
Well, summer is here and so far so good. We found out we are having a GIRL!!! Barry is EXTREMELY excited because we already have two boys (my bonus kids:)) and after the loss of Barry Avery, we just knew it would be another boy. So I took it easy this go round but I have to say I was paranoid and worried every time I felt a move or flutter in my belly. Every time I used the restroom I was nervous. It was just a time of paranoia and worry!!!! When I got to the 19 weeks point the whole week was horrible because I just felt like I would miscarry at any moment. I wouldn't wish that worry and anxiety on my worst enemy because it's not healthy.
I get home from bible school on June 22, 2011 and use the restroom. My worst fears are now happening. I am bleeding profusely and immediately begin to become nervous and fearful (I'm 20 weeks). However, I was calm on the outside. I woke Barry up and told him that I was miscarrying again and that we needed to go to the hospital. I called my doctor and informed them and they told me to immediately come in. I get to the hospital, and the minute I step out of the truck my water breaks. I know now, it IS the end. I'm defeated and hurt because I don't know what I could possibly had done. All of my check-ups were normal and everything was going well!!!! Why can I not hold these babies!!!! Barry has the look on his face again, "Here we go again". We are checked into the hospital and I go into the triage for them to do an ultrasound. The nurse examined me to check to see if I was dilated and she tells me that I was not. (Small glimmer of hope.) Then the nurse is performing the ultrasound and she has a confused look on her face. In my head, I'm like "Lady, just tell me what it is...I've been through this before." She then tells me that everything looks fine and that my cervix does not look like it's open. So she is confused as to why I was bleeding and my water would break. I also have to add that I was not contracting AT ALL!!! It was different from the first time, where I was in total pain. This time I had no pain at all. (Hope has increased!)
So they roll me into a room and ordered a more evasive ultrasound that will check all parts of the cervix and womb. (I'm sorry I cannot think of what the medical term was for the ultrasound.) My doctor comes to my room and she examines me and lets me know the same thing, that my cervix seems to be closed, however she will have to wait for the results of the ultrasound in order to see why my water broke. They put me in the vertical position again and told me it will be a waiting game. I was hooked up to the machine to monitor the baby and to see if I would have contractions.
The next day, the doctor came in and told me that it seems as if my cervix was opening, however, it wasn't enough for me to go into full labor. She told me that she could possibly save the baby by performing an emergency cerclage. This is where they sew the cervix so that I can stay pregnant longer. Only thing is that I had to wait four days before receiving the cerclage. The doctor wanted to make sure that I was not contracting and that the baby would stay inside. During this time I started talking to her. We were going to name her Cayden Emma. Emma was my grandmother's name and I felt that Cayden was closest to my name:). I told her that Mommy needed her to stay in there a little longer so that she can come out healthy. She would move around and kick, which made that "hope" grow more. The doctor came frequently to check in on me and then the day came where she said she would perform a cerclage to keep the baby inside! I was so excited because things were looking good! I was prepped for surgery and began praying for a miracle.
The surgery was performed with me completely upside down because they had to make sure the baby stayed away from the cervix. I was awake the entire time but felt nothing. My doctor walked me through the whole process and made me feel at ease. I can truly say she was a great doctor!!! I came out of surgery and was placed in the vertical position again. I stayed in the hospital for four more days and then I was released to go home!!! I was thrilled because just a week ago I knew that I was having deja vu again, and now I am leaving out STILL pregnant. My baby girl was still alive and kicking. My doctor told me that if I can get to 24 weeks, then I would be good. I was 21 weeks and hopeful I could get to 24 weeks.
My cousin drove me home, because Barry had to return back to work and my mother was at home getting my house together for me to come and be on bed rest. When I get home, I SLOWLY walked to my bedroom and SLOWLY climbed in my bed to rest for a long two week journey. My mother, cousin, and mother in law were in rotation for helping me out and I was TRULY grateful for them. My other friends came over and made dinner and I can say that I felt loved and blessed.
July 10, 2011, a week after being discharged, I begin to contract. I knew, it was over. We have done everything we could. I will need to get my mind ready for the loss. We call the doctor, and Barry drives me to the hospital. Once again, my doctor was not there and I had to be seen by another doctor.
Stay tuned for Part III-the hospital experience........
Well, summer is here and so far so good. We found out we are having a GIRL!!! Barry is EXTREMELY excited because we already have two boys (my bonus kids:)) and after the loss of Barry Avery, we just knew it would be another boy. So I took it easy this go round but I have to say I was paranoid and worried every time I felt a move or flutter in my belly. Every time I used the restroom I was nervous. It was just a time of paranoia and worry!!!! When I got to the 19 weeks point the whole week was horrible because I just felt like I would miscarry at any moment. I wouldn't wish that worry and anxiety on my worst enemy because it's not healthy.
I get home from bible school on June 22, 2011 and use the restroom. My worst fears are now happening. I am bleeding profusely and immediately begin to become nervous and fearful (I'm 20 weeks). However, I was calm on the outside. I woke Barry up and told him that I was miscarrying again and that we needed to go to the hospital. I called my doctor and informed them and they told me to immediately come in. I get to the hospital, and the minute I step out of the truck my water breaks. I know now, it IS the end. I'm defeated and hurt because I don't know what I could possibly had done. All of my check-ups were normal and everything was going well!!!! Why can I not hold these babies!!!! Barry has the look on his face again, "Here we go again". We are checked into the hospital and I go into the triage for them to do an ultrasound. The nurse examined me to check to see if I was dilated and she tells me that I was not. (Small glimmer of hope.) Then the nurse is performing the ultrasound and she has a confused look on her face. In my head, I'm like "Lady, just tell me what it is...I've been through this before." She then tells me that everything looks fine and that my cervix does not look like it's open. So she is confused as to why I was bleeding and my water would break. I also have to add that I was not contracting AT ALL!!! It was different from the first time, where I was in total pain. This time I had no pain at all. (Hope has increased!)
So they roll me into a room and ordered a more evasive ultrasound that will check all parts of the cervix and womb. (I'm sorry I cannot think of what the medical term was for the ultrasound.) My doctor comes to my room and she examines me and lets me know the same thing, that my cervix seems to be closed, however she will have to wait for the results of the ultrasound in order to see why my water broke. They put me in the vertical position again and told me it will be a waiting game. I was hooked up to the machine to monitor the baby and to see if I would have contractions.
The next day, the doctor came in and told me that it seems as if my cervix was opening, however, it wasn't enough for me to go into full labor. She told me that she could possibly save the baby by performing an emergency cerclage. This is where they sew the cervix so that I can stay pregnant longer. Only thing is that I had to wait four days before receiving the cerclage. The doctor wanted to make sure that I was not contracting and that the baby would stay inside. During this time I started talking to her. We were going to name her Cayden Emma. Emma was my grandmother's name and I felt that Cayden was closest to my name:). I told her that Mommy needed her to stay in there a little longer so that she can come out healthy. She would move around and kick, which made that "hope" grow more. The doctor came frequently to check in on me and then the day came where she said she would perform a cerclage to keep the baby inside! I was so excited because things were looking good! I was prepped for surgery and began praying for a miracle.
The surgery was performed with me completely upside down because they had to make sure the baby stayed away from the cervix. I was awake the entire time but felt nothing. My doctor walked me through the whole process and made me feel at ease. I can truly say she was a great doctor!!! I came out of surgery and was placed in the vertical position again. I stayed in the hospital for four more days and then I was released to go home!!! I was thrilled because just a week ago I knew that I was having deja vu again, and now I am leaving out STILL pregnant. My baby girl was still alive and kicking. My doctor told me that if I can get to 24 weeks, then I would be good. I was 21 weeks and hopeful I could get to 24 weeks.
My cousin drove me home, because Barry had to return back to work and my mother was at home getting my house together for me to come and be on bed rest. When I get home, I SLOWLY walked to my bedroom and SLOWLY climbed in my bed to rest for a long two week journey. My mother, cousin, and mother in law were in rotation for helping me out and I was TRULY grateful for them. My other friends came over and made dinner and I can say that I felt loved and blessed.
July 10, 2011, a week after being discharged, I begin to contract. I knew, it was over. We have done everything we could. I will need to get my mind ready for the loss. We call the doctor, and Barry drives me to the hospital. Once again, my doctor was not there and I had to be seen by another doctor.
Stay tuned for Part III-the hospital experience........
Barry Avery-Part I of Loss
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm pregnant!!!!! I take long breaths and think what am I going to do? This was not planned. I always have a plan. How will I tell my mother, father, FAMILY??!!! Well first I have to tell Barry. What will he say? Will he be mad or happy? Oh gosh!!!! Ok get it together Caroline! It's not the end of the world. At least you have finished school and have a career. Your boyfriend loves you and you guys plan on spending the rest of your lives together. Why are you worried?..........
Those were thoughts that I had when I found out I was pregnant back in December of 2009. It was before Christmas and boy it took me for a loop. I come from a family where morals and values are important and clearly the order of life should NOT be mixed up. Boyfriend, Marriage, THEN babies. Well I have always been the "rebel" I guess you can say of my family. Hey! I was the baby! What do you expect? I always pushed the envelope to see how far I could get with my parents and siblings. Well when I told Barry, who was just my boyfriend at the time, that I was pregnant. His non-chalant self was like "No your not." Then he goes, "Well, ok". I immediately told him that we had to get married because that was the only way my parents would accept this. He agreed and I began planning how I would tell my parents. The first thing was that I had to call my OBGYN and schedule an appointment to confirm that I was pregnant. I would tell my parents after I had confirmation I thought. Yes! That would be perfect. Until then I had to attend family functions and avoid the alcohol, which was hard because they all knew I was the first to grab a drink (Hey I was younger:)). Then came time for my appointment. YUP.....I was pregnant. To see the little bean on the screen was so surreal. I couldn't beleive it. However, I was becoming excited and happy about it. My first child. I would be able to have my "own" child.
Then came the time to tell my parents. I called my mother and father at their house. When my mother answered, my heart began to beat fast!!! I was so nervous and scared. I believe I asked her how her day was and all and then I just said it. "Mama, I'm pregnant." (Did I cry? I'm not sure. I think I did. I probably did because I always cry.) She goes, "Humph, I knew it would happen. Yall living together and all." (I got that out of order as well.) "Well, how do you feel?" I told her I was fine and that I went to the doctor. I told her that Barry and I were going to get married in February, the day after my birthday. She was happy about that and we immediately began planning a "wedding". I only wanted to go to either the court house or my pastors study, but my mother felt we should have a reception. So by the time February 27, 2010 rolled around we had an all out wedding with a reception. It was small and intimate with my closest family and friends, and perfect for the situation.
So now that we are married, things feel right and complete. Until April 7th I had the strangest feeling where I felt very crampy. I called my doctors office and they had me to come in so the doctor could check me out. When I arrived my doctor was not there and I had to see the other practicing doctor in the office. He asked me some questions about how I was feeling. He told me that it was a normal feeling and that because I was not bleeding then I should be fine. They did an ultrasound and everything "seemed"normal.
Well the next day, April 8th, I woke up and my stomach was cramping extremely bad to the point that I was bent over on the bed in pain. I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in again. My husband drove me to the doctor and in the back of my mind, I knew something was not right. However, I still prayed that just maybe everything will be okay. When I got there they had me to go and give a urine sample and that is when I knew I was in trouble. There was blood in my urine and my whole heart dropped. Again, my doctor was not there and I saw the doctor on call. She examined me and sweetly told me that I was miscarrying and needed to immediately go to the hospital. When she walked out the room I just cried and cried as I put my clothes back on. I kept thinking, Why? Why? Why? What did I do? What could I have done differently? Why didn't the doctor notice this yesterday?
Once I got to the hospital, the staff was friendly and showed us to our room. The doctor that I saw the day before came in and was shocked to see me. He asked "Didn't I see you yesterday?" I told him yes but now it's not looking good. He told me that these types of situation can happen overnight and he was going to do his best to try and save the baby. He had me to recline my bed so that I was in a vertical position, feet up/head down. I stayed this way for about an hour or two, but I kept contracting. The doctor came in and told me that he would have to deliver the baby because my labor was too far progressed to try and stop it. He informed me that the baby will not survive because I was only 19 weeks which is not a viable state for babies to survive. The viable age is 24 weeks or more. Imagine being so close, yet so far away from a positive outcome. I felt as if everything was my fault and that I would not ever have a child. I felt as though I let my husband down, who in fact was sitting next to my bed with a dazed look on his face. He was there for support but I could tell this was a bit much for him as well.
Within an hour, I delivered my baby and was able to hold him and tell him I was so sorry. They asked Barry if he wanted to hold him and he told them NO. He just held his head down and sat quietly. (I now, understand why he did not want to hold him because in his mind, he could not save his child and he felt helpless as a father.) I told them that his name was Barry Avery and the nurse took him away to take pictures and do his birth certificate.
That day was one of saddest day in my life and I thought that I would never be able to come back from it. It took faith and prayer to bring myself out of the slump. I took two weeks off work and when I came back I jumped right back into work. I just couldn't sit around and mope because that is not my personality. I got back in the groove of things and took things one day at a time. In the back of my mind, I told myself that I would just have to try again.
Til then.....I enjoyed life as a newlywed.
Those were thoughts that I had when I found out I was pregnant back in December of 2009. It was before Christmas and boy it took me for a loop. I come from a family where morals and values are important and clearly the order of life should NOT be mixed up. Boyfriend, Marriage, THEN babies. Well I have always been the "rebel" I guess you can say of my family. Hey! I was the baby! What do you expect? I always pushed the envelope to see how far I could get with my parents and siblings. Well when I told Barry, who was just my boyfriend at the time, that I was pregnant. His non-chalant self was like "No your not." Then he goes, "Well, ok". I immediately told him that we had to get married because that was the only way my parents would accept this. He agreed and I began planning how I would tell my parents. The first thing was that I had to call my OBGYN and schedule an appointment to confirm that I was pregnant. I would tell my parents after I had confirmation I thought. Yes! That would be perfect. Until then I had to attend family functions and avoid the alcohol, which was hard because they all knew I was the first to grab a drink (Hey I was younger:)). Then came time for my appointment. YUP.....I was pregnant. To see the little bean on the screen was so surreal. I couldn't beleive it. However, I was becoming excited and happy about it. My first child. I would be able to have my "own" child.
Then came the time to tell my parents. I called my mother and father at their house. When my mother answered, my heart began to beat fast!!! I was so nervous and scared. I believe I asked her how her day was and all and then I just said it. "Mama, I'm pregnant." (Did I cry? I'm not sure. I think I did. I probably did because I always cry.) She goes, "Humph, I knew it would happen. Yall living together and all." (I got that out of order as well.) "Well, how do you feel?" I told her I was fine and that I went to the doctor. I told her that Barry and I were going to get married in February, the day after my birthday. She was happy about that and we immediately began planning a "wedding". I only wanted to go to either the court house or my pastors study, but my mother felt we should have a reception. So by the time February 27, 2010 rolled around we had an all out wedding with a reception. It was small and intimate with my closest family and friends, and perfect for the situation.
So now that we are married, things feel right and complete. Until April 7th I had the strangest feeling where I felt very crampy. I called my doctors office and they had me to come in so the doctor could check me out. When I arrived my doctor was not there and I had to see the other practicing doctor in the office. He asked me some questions about how I was feeling. He told me that it was a normal feeling and that because I was not bleeding then I should be fine. They did an ultrasound and everything "seemed"normal.
Well the next day, April 8th, I woke up and my stomach was cramping extremely bad to the point that I was bent over on the bed in pain. I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in again. My husband drove me to the doctor and in the back of my mind, I knew something was not right. However, I still prayed that just maybe everything will be okay. When I got there they had me to go and give a urine sample and that is when I knew I was in trouble. There was blood in my urine and my whole heart dropped. Again, my doctor was not there and I saw the doctor on call. She examined me and sweetly told me that I was miscarrying and needed to immediately go to the hospital. When she walked out the room I just cried and cried as I put my clothes back on. I kept thinking, Why? Why? Why? What did I do? What could I have done differently? Why didn't the doctor notice this yesterday?
Once I got to the hospital, the staff was friendly and showed us to our room. The doctor that I saw the day before came in and was shocked to see me. He asked "Didn't I see you yesterday?" I told him yes but now it's not looking good. He told me that these types of situation can happen overnight and he was going to do his best to try and save the baby. He had me to recline my bed so that I was in a vertical position, feet up/head down. I stayed this way for about an hour or two, but I kept contracting. The doctor came in and told me that he would have to deliver the baby because my labor was too far progressed to try and stop it. He informed me that the baby will not survive because I was only 19 weeks which is not a viable state for babies to survive. The viable age is 24 weeks or more. Imagine being so close, yet so far away from a positive outcome. I felt as if everything was my fault and that I would not ever have a child. I felt as though I let my husband down, who in fact was sitting next to my bed with a dazed look on his face. He was there for support but I could tell this was a bit much for him as well.
Within an hour, I delivered my baby and was able to hold him and tell him I was so sorry. They asked Barry if he wanted to hold him and he told them NO. He just held his head down and sat quietly. (I now, understand why he did not want to hold him because in his mind, he could not save his child and he felt helpless as a father.) I told them that his name was Barry Avery and the nurse took him away to take pictures and do his birth certificate.
That day was one of saddest day in my life and I thought that I would never be able to come back from it. It took faith and prayer to bring myself out of the slump. I took two weeks off work and when I came back I jumped right back into work. I just couldn't sit around and mope because that is not my personality. I got back in the groove of things and took things one day at a time. In the back of my mind, I told myself that I would just have to try again.
Til then.....I enjoyed life as a newlywed.
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